Never Again
by Maesterlicious
Summary: * onesided kairi.xemnas * He doesn’t smile. He doesn’t laugh. He doesn’t talk of enjoyable things. Rated for references to sex, but only if you squint.


There are times when I look at him when my heart just wants to burst out of my chest—if only to please him. There are times when, the way he looks at us when he's speaking of Kingdom Hearts, I just want to hold him close and let him know that everything will be okay.

He doesn't smile. He doesn't laugh. He doesn't talk of enjoyable things.

He does frown. He does cry (I can see it in his eyes that, no matter what he says, he does). He does talk of anger, hate, and jealousy.

There's sadness in his amber-colored eyes that no one could possibly fathom other than he. No one—not a single other person in this world or any other worlds out there—could possibly even _look_ as sad as he does, _feel_ as miserable as he must (he _has_ to) feel.

I can tell he's angry. I can tell he hates us. I can tell he's jealous of us. But that doesn't stop me from sympathizing with him. I want to pull Sora, Riku and the others aside and tell them what I see when I look at him. But if I did, they wouldn't listen. They'd think that my delicate, fragile mind has been away from home for too long, or they'd think that I'd been brainwashed while I was trapped here. If I were so fragile, so pure, then why wouldn't they listen? Shouldn't they trust the word of a Princess?

But I stand by and say nothing about it. I say I'll fight, but only because if we can't allow him to regain a heart, then killing him is the only other thing we can do. In my eyes, it's the only way we can help him. I only wish there were something else we could do.

Listening to him talk about hearts quivering with hatred… hearts burning with rage… hearts scarred by envy… that's when I start to wonder exactly what he's been through to call upon such negative things. That's when I realize that all he really needs is someone. Someone to love him through the hate. Someone to calm him through the rage. Someone to compliment him through the envy.

He's physically strong. He's dark and rough.

I'm mentally strong. I'm light and gentle.

I realize that that someone that he needs… is someone like me. We are opposites. We complement each other. We complete each other. Everything he is, I'm not. Everything I am, he isn't.

That's what makes me think of these things.

The presence within me, Namine, knows of these things, and she creates a portal only for viewing purposes. I want to watch. I want to see if he ever does smile during that last battle. I want to hear if he laughs at all. I want to know if he calls upon anything other than the hatred, anger, and jealousy that have been burned into him, where his heart should be.

* * *

The final blow. It's devastating. To me. To him. But it seems like… we're the only two who are deeply saddened by it (even if he refuses to admit he feels that way), even if I do act happy. 

"Xemnas. There's more to a heart than just anger or hate. It's full of all kinds of feelings. Don't you remember?"

"Unfortunately… I don't."

I want to summon my own Keyblade to my fingers and smack Sora with it. Why couldn't he ask this of him earlier? Before he faded? Why… why couldn't he do something as simple as that before destroying the man (I refuse to call him a Nobody—it sounds so superficial)?

Watching him fade, my eyes tear up. I don't want him to leave. I don't want him to never have a heart like he rightfully should. He _deserves_ a heart, no matter what anyone else says. He came so close, they all did. And one little machine destroyed any hope of getting the thing they wanted.

I don't understand. I don't think I ever will. Why couldn't they have the one thing they desired the most (which is something that makes me think he knows more than those negative thoughts)?

* * *

Upon arriving home, I know that the battle isn't truly over now. Maybe, just maybe, he can try one more time to get what he wants the most. I sit on the beach and wait. The King, Donald and Goofy all ask if there's anything they can do, but I just smile and say that I'm fine. Namine scolds me for lying. 

They all leave, save for Namine. She tells me that she told Roxas that she wasn't sure if the Organization was a good or bad group. I thank her.

As I wait, I keep seeing images of him flash through my mind. It's all the same, it seems. He always wears the same, expressionless face. But then one image of him doesn't. This image sparks feelings of sadness within me. It's the same thing I felt before when I saw this face—the blue-haired one, Saix I think, took me around the castle, saying something about how it would be the last time I see the castle in it's entirety. He didn't say it maliciously, though, like he had always spoken. No, his voice was tinged with a hint of sadness of his own, and that's when these feelings first welled up inside of me. I had managed to catch a glimpse of him—his face was turned away just a little, and he was looking down, away from us.

When I first saw him like that, I felt horrible for him.

Now that I see it again in my mind, I wish I'd had the courage to run up to him. Run to him and hold his darkened face in my hands and tell him that I would do everything I could to make sure they got their hearts. Tell him that no matter what, no matter how horrible things got, that if I had to, I would sacrifice my own heart for his happiness. Sacrifice my own _self_ to keep him alive and happy.

I wish I'd had the courage to compliment him on how hard he worked for his goal. How hard he worked, just to be able to feel again.

I would've hugged him, so he could feel _something_. Some sort of warmth. Warmth from… affection. Love. Adoration.

I would've kissed him, so he could know that I would give him another reason for his goal. That _I_ would be his other reason.

To be honest, I would've done _anything_ just to see him smile. I would've done something stupid to make him laugh. I would've done something sexy to see a glint of something other than sadness in his eyes. I would've done _anything_ to make him happy.

I hope that I'm not being selfish by thinking that. I hope that I'm not sounding sick for being willing to give myself up for a man who just wants his heart.

I stand and watch as two bright beings fall from the sky, and I know that he will never be happy again.

_Xemnas_ will never be happy again.

* * *


End file.
